Alcohol and the Art of Figuring Out How to Deal

Day 98.

Alcohol

There will never be perfect circumstances. There will never be a right time.

We might never feel ready.

My biggest flaws is that I am constantly waiting to «feel ready». I hesitate. I overthink. I want to «make it perfect» and I constantly do this with each and every endeavor I’ve had in my life.

What Ive come to learn from this non drinking/writing daily challenge is learning to still thrive without being in a controlled environment. This whole time I thought NOT drinking, and having a structured routine of writing daily would be the most difficult thing. What I realize I did was create a short term “perfect environment”.

I strayed from the bars, from distractions, from people and remained loyal to my site and my desk. I was focused to the umpteenth degree and it felt great. I feel great. I’m smarter. I’m thinking in more precise banners. I’m more meticulous and detailed. I’m thinking long term.

What yesterday taught me, was that I cant expect to live in a vacuum. The tough part of this challenge isn’t writing for 100 days- it’s learning to continue a habit and process that I love and enjoy while still living my life.

There will be weekends where I’ll go away and want to hang with my friends and my schedule will be chaotic and I’ll be exhausted and ill just be bombarded with things. I CANT push things off and procrastinate anymore. I can’t say eh ill do it next time because I don’t feel like it.

Starting this site-ill have to have a system in place that will keep things running in order and on time. I’ll have to always, always be working on this and having it run even while I’m living my life.

Yesterday, drinking was an eye opener. At the start, it was amazing and fun. I had a great time, loved feeling the drinks and the familiar warmth as it entered my belly. I missed the light haze that made it so easy to laugh and love everyone, “omg sooooooooo much”. But I don’t remember half the day. We took group pictures that I don’t remember being a part of. I fell asleep at the last tasting at the wine tour. And the worst part- I had a skull crushing, earth shattering migraine that lasted for 4 hours. I did not miss drinking.

What I did miss, was being able to relax, and forget about everything and all my “must do’s” for a weekend. I missed living in the moment and catching up with friends, talking in the backyard in front of a fire till 2 in the morning. I missed laying around the living room while Ed played guitar and we all sang old Sublime songs from college. Mostly, I just missed seeing my friends from college and laughing. I missed being so excited, and happy about something that wasn’t my typical, normal everyday life.

I read a book about Habits, and it asked dieters to look at their habits throughout the day to see why they snacked in the afternoon. If they had a cookie at 2pm was it because they were tired and needed a wake me up? Or was it because they got to step away from the desk to go to the vending machine? Or was it because they got to talk to their coworker along the way?

To figure this out, it asked the dieters to experiment with a few different items to figure out what it was that they really needed? Instead of a cookie, could they swap it for a coffee? Or going for a walk outside instead? Or simply going to talk to the coworker?

They were asked after doing each of those for 15 minutes whether they still craved that cookie. More often than not- they didnt. It was one of the other factors.

So through that, people were able to realize that the “bad habits” came from a desire that could replace its bad habit with a good one.

For drinking, I think many people do it to numb the pain. I did it to have fun with friends. On dates for them to be more fun. To relax. To de stress.

And for me, this weekend showed me-

A- I don’t need drinking to have fun. What I like most about drinking are the fun memories and experiences we share together. The social aspect of it, and of course a bit of the fitting in.

B- I won’t give up drinking entirely but I will not use it as a Crux for fun or dates or simply because its there.

C- Its literally poison. Drinking yesterday was like poisoning my body- i felt like such shit.

D- damn. Drinking makes you look old and gain weight. Trying to look fresh af.

Mostly though, if i want to keep alcohol in my life- i have to figure out a balance where it is inspiring me or benefiting me and not denigrating me.

Writing daily has to be the most important role of these two challenges though. I cant believe all the emphasis I’ve been putting on non drinking and not enough of the writing. I have to get in the practice of writing, WELL if I want to keep this site up and running. Sober, drink, tired, away from computer — it Has to be done.

So my new challenge?

Writing an essay a day for the next 7 days. MLA format, 700 words. Properly researched, beautiful article with photographs.

Let’s see what happens!

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