Let Them Get Married!

Customs and culture are one of the most important thing in our society. Even some of them have quite dominant influence which become our social identity. Culture that mentioned before includes many things such as how people dress up, perspective about certain thoughts, interaction between its people, also conducting sort kind of ceremony or festival.

Basically, our ancestors maintain their customs by descending it to their generation so they will keep them alive and not be extinct. However, not all culture comply with principle of Islam. But please noted that Islam doesn’t erase the culture that already built thousands years ago. Islam comes to correct, to make it straight, giving guidance for the culture that take the wrong way.

For example, there was a culture in the time of Rosulullah which didn’t match with Islamic principle. It was a perspective of having a daughter. In that time, when family is giving a birth then their newborn is a girl, it must be a nightmare for them. They will feel ashamed if their neighbours know that they have a baby girl. Even some of them were imprisoning themselves and refused to meet people. They believed son is much much better than daughter. Until the light of Islam presents, and Rasulullah said

The hadith means parents who have a daughter are promised for Heaven by Allah. They will get it if only they raise her sincerely and do not think that son is better than daughter. The hadith straightly makes muslim people are happy whenever their child is born, no matter it is boy or it is girl. Because Allah sees them equal, they both are good.

Also, some of our society have misconception about what marriage is. Many spouses across the globe couldn’t get married because halted by culture. “You are still young, you don’t deserve to get married”, “You are too old, you won’t get a fiance at all”, “You are the youngest child in our family, your brother and sister are not married yet, wait for them, chill, your turn will come”, “Your fiance is come from ‘A’ Village, I’m not agree if you marry people from that village”. Maybe is not about culture, sometimes they are not approved because they have different economy status. Indeed, Allah already suggests us to get married.

Even the verse encourages slaves to get married! Then, How if the perception is right, we are not allowed to get married because we are still young? Not financially significant to life independently? The next part of the verse is the answer.

It tells us, insyaAllah The Almighty will give them enough power to fulfill their needs, even tough they held on a modest walimah — not over celebrated by luxurious property and other excessive things. Then, in the next verse Allah says,

There are important lessons from two verses which mentioned above. Although, Allah advises us to get married but we also need to look deep into ourself whether are we qualified to posses a marriage. If we are yet deserved, the answer is in the verse 33. We have to be patient, keep our faith pure, and pray for Allah so He will send us ability to get married. Then what is ‘deserve’ means to Allah? What is His qualifications? Allah signs it through the story of Musa when he met his wife.

The verse explains maturity of Musa and He is entering the adulthood (that time Musa wasn’t a Prophet yet). Translation of ‘mature’ is simply considered, mature is defined as people who reached ‘akil baligh’ or entered their puberty phase. Being mature means Musa as a man (and also us) have to take our own responsibility of any obligation that given to us. This quite different with definition in our society today. Nowadays, puberty age is just considered as a teenager, they are yet to be treated like an adult. However, Islam teaches us if there is a man who reached ‘akil baligh’, he has to take their own sins. This principle should be delivered clearly so there won’t be any mistake when doing our religion obligations. Even long years ago there were so many young man who became a commander in battlefield, which known his age is still 18 years old. Mature is not about age, age is relative, age is just a number.

So, how Musa went through his adulthood? Musa was raised in Kingdom of Pharaoh which known as the richest and greatest kingdom in that time. He can get whatever he wants whenever he wants it. With such circumstances, Musa was probably being spoiled. But, that wasn’t enough to tempt him, because Allah has bestowed him a gift.

“We bestowed upon him judgement and knowledge”. in arabic language is written as

In translation, hukman means hikmah/wisdom, deeper tafseer translates hukman as people who can make a good decision. The next word is ‘wa ilman’, which means knowledge. Hukman wa ilman, wisdom and knowledge. This order is really important to notice.

As a young man, we are dedicated ourselves to learn, learn, and learn. After doing so we’ll get knowledge. Then we are getting older and we got so many experiences. Because of those experiences we become wiser. We assume more wisdom will come to us when we are old. With such way of thinking, We think knowledge will come first than wisdom will come later on. Unfortunately that was untrue, that wasn’t process Allah intended to us. As the verse mentioned, we should become wise people first then we can find the knowledge. Why so? Today, lots of miserable moments happened because misconception between wisdom and knowledge. Most people puts knowledge first, but forget to be wise. This happened in reality when people who are really smart and genius in class, but in the other hand they also drunk, they do something that harm themselves like drugs, free sex, etc. why this is happened? because they are not ‘hukman’, they couldn’t make a good decision.

In fact, living in this world is really hard, we are potentially make a bad decision and It questioned our wisdom every time. “I know this is wrong, but I just can’t help myself out…”, We acknowledge it, We know it was wrong, but do we wise enough to resist sort of temptations? One sign that shows our wisdom is when we can control ourselves against any bad decisions. Allah won’t prevent bad thoughts come to you, but Allah gives you strength to control it. And people start to excuse, “That’s okay, never mind, we are human after all…”. NO, That is nonsense. Remember? Allah has given us incredible example, His name is Musa, The extraordinary young man who live surrounded by wealthy which likely drive him being spoiled. In addition, he lived in bad environment (Pharaoh palace is bad place, isn’t it?), the positive influence only comes from his mother and step mother. How could Musa resist his temptations? Because Allah bestowed him hukman, he become wise to control his temptations. And remember, that time Musa is not being a Prophet yet. He is just a young man, like us. So that excuse is nonsense, we are able to control ourselves.

Blessings of Allah guide Musa to know what to do and not what to do when He is entering a manhood. Musa is not tempted, He is not selfsih, He is not only thinking about himself. Even He decided to come out from his comfort zone, He came out to help others. This is when the story began, the story how Musa met his wife. He escaped from the palace and ran into the desert. Then suddenly fate brought him get lost in Madyan.

Before arrived in Madyan, Musa accidentally killed someone in Memphis. Local authority seeked him and willing to kill Musa because of what he’s been done. Musa was scared, he became a fugitive. It threatened his life, so Musa ran out from the town. Along the way, Musa regretted his deed, and always pray to seek Allah’s forgiveness. While on the way to Madyan, he prayed

“And when he directed himself toward Madyan, he said, “Perhaps my Lord will guide me to the sound way.” Q.S. Al-Qasas (28):22

The next verses tell about his first meeting with his wife.

Musa met two women who needed feeding water to their cattle in a lake. But, they couldn’t do that because they had to wait other shepherd who also feeding water for their animals. The women were afraid if they brought their animals there in the same time. They thought the shepherd are pervert. They were afraid if something unwanted happen. After listening their explanation, Musa decided to help them. When the job was done, one of the women came back to Musa.

Verse number 25 tells about the Father of the two women who wanted to give him reward after helped his children. Also Musa shared the whole story about himself to the Father. He told him what he’s been through until he arrived in Madyan. He told the father that He was a royal of Pharaoh Kingdom who escaped from the castle. He was accidentally killed somebody and now the authority was looking for him, He was a fugitive. He said he had nothing, he was out of stocks, no clothes left except what he wore. Then, one of his daughters suggested him to hire Musa to work for them.

The Father understood what his daughter wanted. One of the most rational way for Musa to work for them is marrying Musa with one of his daughter. If so, They will be helped to take care of their cattle. His daughter were no longer worried and teased by any pervert sheperd in the lake. Make sense right? The father offered Musa a deal in the following verse

The offering was actually a ‘win-win solution’ for all. The family now have a man who can take care of their animals and work for them. On the other hand, this also a good deal for Musa because now he has a house to live, gets certainty about his life, and ends up worrying people who looking for him.

So what can we infer from the story? Let’s read the story carefully. How the woman and his father are really sure that Musa is a good man to live and work for them? Isn’t He a fugitive? Isn’t he just killed somebody? Moreover, why does the woman really sure that Musa is fit to be her husband? He is a stranger. He is unemployed. He is homeless. He had nothing.

Her choice is reasonable, the woman wants to get married with Musa is not only about love. Let’s go back to the verse number 26. In the end of the verse, it describes what Musa had that time, i.e. ‘al qawiyyul amiin’ which means strong and trustworthy. This is what she saw inside Musa and also this is what Allah wants to us whenever we want to get married, we have to be strong and trustworthy! So what does ‘strong’ refer to? Strong doesn’t always mean having a muscular body, but also capable to work, capable to give a living for our wife, and hold up ourself against our desire to make bad decisions. It reflects from how Musa helped them watering their cattle. The woman didn’t consider what Musa has — How much money does he has, how many properties that belong to him. Not that, the only thing that she saw is Musa is capable to work. He is strong, he is capable, he can work, he can give them a decent life.

Next, how does the woman really sure that Musa is a trustworthy person even Musa is also a stranger? In addition, Musa came from Israel, he has a slightly different language with Madyan which use arabic. It might be hard for them to talk and perhaps they could misunderstand each other. But, the woman concerned something, see felt Musa was very sincere when he helped her in the lake. Musa didn’t have any other intention except helping her. Also, when Musa came to her Father and shared the whole story about him. Musa talked honestly, good side and bad side, he told them all. No less and excessive story. Not all people can retell their past escpecially when it was a bad one. In that time, He accidentally had just killed somebody, and was being a fugitive. That was embarassing, wasn’t it? He also not hesitate to tell that he had nothing. Along with his sincerity, he kept telling the whole story honestly. Not like most of the people who tend to tell their good side and keep out their bad side. Those things made her believed that Musa is a trustwhorty one.

According to Musa’s characters who known as trustworthy and honest person, Allah says in the Quran that those characters are really important to build up a family.

‘Hunna libassulakum wa antum libassulahun’, they are ‘clothing’ for you and you are clothing for them. Allah gives the word ‘clothing’ because clothes are something that attached to someone who wear it. Whatever things that someone does, his/her clothes also know about it. It shows that we have to be honest to our spouse. We have to talk just the way it is, we are not allowed to cover the bad and only say the good. The verse is clear, you are clothing for them, and they are clothing for you. So it applies for both husband and wife. They have to show real openness. Just like clothes, there is no barrier between our clothes and its user. So that is what should we do to our spouse, honest, open, and clear. If we are still afraid to tell the real things about ourselves, still considering what to tell and what to hide, indeed we are not ready for get married, we are not ready to share a life with our spouse.

Hopefully Allah will constantly give us a power to prepare our marriage, and for those who already get married hope Allah grants you blessings and lots of compassion in your marriage so you will have a happy family (sakinah, mawadah, warahmah).

Wallahualam bissawab.

Here I will drop some of my friends thoughts that still related to marriage.

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