Leaving It All For A Life On The Rails

So long, society. It’s been real, it’s been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.

I don’t need to tell any of you that life is difficult.

Sometimes it feels like no matter what you do or how hard you try, life throws an obstacle, and your dreams go unfulfilled.

I’ve written millions and millions of words in my life, but I’m no closer to being a financially stable writer than I was ten years ago when a girlfriend of mine found a blog post I wrote about my dream date with Keanu Reeves, and she dumped me.

In her defense, the blog post was needlessly perverse and extremely graphic. Still, it feels like no matter how much I write and tell myself that things will turn around, it doesn’t happen. Clients ghost me, the jobs I do get refuse to pay me, I post essays almost daily that no one reads, and Twitter banned me for life; what’s the point?

I now realize that there is none, so I’m leaving society behind for a life of riding the rails. That’s right; I’m packing a bag with only the essentials and making my way to the nearest train yard to hop in a boxcar. Destination? That’s for the rails to decide.

Now that I’m a train hopper, there are some things you should know about my lifestyle. Firstly, notice I didn’t call myself a “hobo.” This is an earned title you can only use once you’ve been in the game for ten years or more.

Since I’m new to the community, I have no right to call myself a hobo, but God willing, I’ll earn my stripes somewhere down the line. I’d imagine my fellow tramps and I would have a coronation ceremony on the day I earn my place.

I’d scrounge the finest beans from behind a Whole Foods, and they’d light a trash fire so bright that all the rich people who live on top of the hill could see it. Railroad security, or “bulls” as we call them, would take the night off from beating us mercilessly and join us for a drink of distilled turpentine.

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