The Intro

Wow. As basic as that sounds, that’s how it feels to be sitting here at my desk writing again. This past year has been unpredictable to say the least, but to come here and see my past relationship, old thoughts, true feelings and overall a more innocent view on the world was something I avoided for a real long time. For simplicity reasons. As I was checking the analytics of my previous post, i noticed that i average about 50 people reading my post. Which is honestly cool as hell. I never thought anyone would click, and actually read this til the end. To see that 50 people are, and consistently…. Wow, again. Thank you for taking the time to read this and Thank you for supporting my post. Weather you read 1 or all 7. Or maybe this is your first time checking what the hell i’m actually rambling on about, Either way, I appreciate you, and I’m grateful for this space and time to be able to create.

Besides A global pandemic, loosing my closest friend, loosing a boyfriend I adored, and loosing my mind, not a lot has been going on for me. I’m honestly so grateful for my life and my health that it has been hard for me to access this level of vulnerability. After loosing two people so close to me, it has been incredibility hard to open up. I feel like i had to reset my soul. Which was honestly the most frustrating part. I spent all this time soul searching and figuring out who I am just to have a couple things that happen that made me loose myself again. The craziest part of this is all, is that I loved and lost in 2019 and spent all 2020 trying to get over it. I try my hardest to not fully consume my thoughts with politics, covid cases, social injustices and jealousy of all my friends with their cute ass relationships. But like I told y’all before, misery loves company. Once that seed of negativity is planted, it is so hard to see the rose that grew from concrete. In 2020 i tried everything. Therapy, cooking, painting, antidepressants, planting, crying, cleaning, screaming, burning sage, doing yoga and EVEN going to virtual church. Some things were definitely more successful than others. At the end of the day, how I cope does not matter. It took me 11 months to understand that it is okay to feel how i feel. Every day I go to work and teach small children that it is okay to feel sad/angry but there is a wrong and right time to cry. Im teaching them how to use their words and express emotions appropriately so that they can continue to play. Yet, here I was sad as shit just crying over some fuckery that happened in 2019 and getting more sad and frustrated with my self that I was sad to begin with. In a literal worm hole of negative thoughts. HOW SWAY? The lesson has been in front of me this whole time. As has my computer. “ IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD. IT IS OKAY TO FEEL GRIEF. ITS OKAY TO MAKE MISTAKES. But, once you’re done with your fit you can come back and play with us”. I have been using writing as an outlet for as long as I could remember. With everything happening in the world I didn’t think it was appropriate to feel sad over these things when so many people are at loss right now. Maybe if I had been writing I could have at least kept my sanity. Today someone i deeply respect told me “Its okay to make mistake, just don’t dwell on them”. That hit home. I don’t know why I fell victim to so many negative thoughts. I don’t know why I let them live in my head for so long. I am here today to tell y’all IM BACK.

I ultimately want to create a platform where I write on a weekly basis, but for now y’all can check me out once a month. I feel like if i put it in wiring that i am gonna write once a month it will be easier to commit to. This is just a warm up though. In the month of January I will make two post just to get things rolling! I’m excited to take my teabags on this journey with me while we are rebuilding in 2021.

I honestly don’t know where to start, but on the flip side I’m so, so, eager to start everything. The thing that I admire most about kids is that they have no concept of time. I want to live like that. I want to start living in the moment more. I wanna do things that require me to forget about time, insecurities, and pain. I am constantly comparing my life time line to the people around me and getting sad that didn’t do certain things sooner. In 2021, I am gonna ride the wave of self love and see just how far it takes me. I just want to be a better and healthier version of myself and continue to fill my soul with love, light and happiness. If one person likes my writing, or none, Being able to write about my feelings and get them out there, or simply just share things that get me through tough times will help me tremendously. For that, i am also excited.

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